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I Hate You

What you feel about these three words, this is the most painful thing to hear from your partner.
As most of the girls are very keen to know about the things that thier partner hates most. So today I'll tell you about me, the things I dislike n worst part of mine. You wanted to know the worst about me, these are the things that I dint told to any one and hide them below the surface. So how I start of it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? May be after this you hate me or may be you will understand. I will tell you everything. May be it will help you, but how I startbut I am sick of running, so here it is , what you are looking for.
I hate you. Is it true? May be yes, but that's not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer your phone call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will not hug you, I will not kiss you, love you etc etc, even though these all I want to do. I am mad at you, I will hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will gte mad at you for ignoring me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. From the above points you might get an idea of this that there are two parts of mine, one who is happy and confident and another is insecure and needy. I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comforatable with our relationship, the doubt and fear will come back. May be with time it will go away completely, but doubt it.
You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. There are different feelings of mine depending on the part of mine I am living at that time.The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.
May be you got your answer as I am still confused what to do. I never know what way it will go. I will continue hurting you, even though there is a soft corner for you in my heart. I continue ignoring you, even though I do not want to see you without me. But I do not know what way to proceed as their are always two part of anything. Just you need to choose either of these. I hate you but still I want you to carry on with me, please do not leave me alone.

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